The Eight-Day Week

How big is your boyfriend’s summer share? If it weren’t for the sulfurous breeze coming from the approaching F train, we might be forced to strip naked on the subway platform and show this moist curdled season what we really think of it! (Partly our fault for not dumping the unemployed musician in time to find a feller with a jet copter to East Hampton.  read more »

For those itching to swipe the ole credit card for no higher charitable purpose … Fashion’s buoyant, shaggy-haired darling, Alexander Wang, hosts a much-anticipated sample sale, offering up his expensive ripped jean shorts—beaver shot!—and slouchy blazers available at prices we still can’t afford but will pay anyway.

[Alexander Wang sample sale, 386 Broadway, 3 p.m. to 7 p.m.]  read more »

Feel-good women’s fashion rag Glamour unspools Glamour Reel Docs, a heartwarming documentary following “three Glamour readers as they pursue their dreams.” We can only conclude that host Tommy Hilfiger is feeling warm and fuzzy after his recent engagement to a comely blonde? Later, Christie’s preview for its Ocean Liner sale (we just write what they tell us!) to benefit the good people at Oceana, who have Ted Danson on their board and who would prefer we not kill off all traces of life in the ocean, bless them. On sale: an actual life preserver from the Titanic!

[Glamour Reel Docs, Village East Cinema, 189 Second Avenue, after-party at Bowery Hotel, 335 Bowery, 866-689-2108; Oceana Hosts “Turning the Tides” at Christie’s, 20 Rockefeller Plaza, 6 p.m., www.oceana.org/christies]  read more »

We’ve been too distracted by cheddar to notice the arrival of Gay Pride Week: That annual ritual that brings outer-borough gays and lesbians to Manhattan to parade around in chaps while their local counterparts hole up in downtown lofts with their partner and two adopted children and pretend not to have anything to do with these people! To kick off the festivities, Miss Vera’s Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls offers a class on “How to Walk, Sit & Pose With Pride.” “Sometimes we have more trans-women than genetic girls and sometimes it’s the opposite,” said Miss Vera. “Some trans-women feel like they’re a klutz. But mostly because they need to unlearn many of the things they learned as men.” Her tips, she said, include: “When you first walk into a room, strike a pose. Don’t run to the nearest corner. Look confident, and focus far away.” For those still involved with heterosexual pursuits, Gwyneth babydaddy Chris Martin hits Madison Square Garden with Coldplay, anthemic rock band we roll our eyes at but still listen to in secret.

[Amazing Grace: How to Walk, Sit & Pose With Pride, Nola Studios, 250 West 54th Street, 8:15 p.m., 212-989-0906; Coldplay at Madison Square Garden, Seventh Avenue between 31st and 32nd streets, www.thegarden.com]  read more »

“I totally bring it, as far as my love of cheese,” said Oliver Butler, the avant-garde theater type from Red Hook who prevailed in last year’s cheese-eating contest—the brainchild of shmancy foodie destination Stinky Bklyn—by eating half a pound of French Cantal in two minutes. “It’s really more technique than anything,” continued the beguiling Mr. Butler. “You start eating the cheese and it turns into a gelatinous glue in your mouth. You want to send it down, but it works against you. Cheese is a very competitive food. It actually makes it harder to eat. Hot dogs don’t work against you. Cheese, you’ll turn into a block of stone if you stop. Water is key.” Patrick Watson, co-owner of Stinky Bklyn, said that this year’s contest will involve “Cantalet. It’s from France. It’s a mild, cheddarlike cloth-bound cheese.” He plans to cap the festivities—which are part of terrifying hipster-parent-infested Smith Street Fun Day Fair—at 30 cheese eaters. Added Mr. Butler: “I think there are probably a ton of people who would love to dethrone me.” Yes, we’re sure they’re lining up!

[Stinky Bklyn Cheese Eating Contest, Smith & Vine, 268 Smith Street, 3 p.m., 718-522-7425]  read more »

What won’t celebrities do for their fellow man, we ask you? East Hampton boutique owner Roberta Freyman hosts “Hats for Hope, a Madcap Event!” featuring headwear designed by amateur milliners such as Cynthia Rowley; actress Alicia Witt; socialites Lisa Anastos, Debbie Bancroft and Muffie Potter Aston; and fashion designer James Coviello, who told us he’s planning to “make a sort of Edwardian hat out of it … You know that movie with Audrey Hepburn, My Fair Lady? It’s like that, so you could totally wear it.” Mr. Coviello warned us it’s about to get very Ascot around here: “For some reason, it’s almost become not so uncommon, as in England, to wear a unique, eye-catching hat for a special occasion. It’s becoming more acceptable.” Added Angelica Torn, actress and daughter of Rip Torn: “I’m going to decorate with silk blue roses and it’s going to be called Laura. It’s inspired by Tennessee Williams’ play The Glass Menagerie. My parents met and fell in love during a Tennessee Williams play.” Zoinks! And then, brace yourselves, it’s “the first major benefit of the summer, and we always get a great crowd!” said Dini von Mueffling, writer and co-founder of Love Heals, the AIDS charity beneficiary of a gala in Sagaponack. “Everybody waits for this event, because this is sort of the kick-off of the summer,” added Scoop owner and Love Heals co-founder Stefanie Greenfield. The expected socialite haul includes possibly soon-to-be Lindsay Lohan in-laws Charlotte Ronson and mama Ann Dexter-Jones. “This year our theme is Alice in Wonderland,” said Ms. von Mueffling. “We always set up out in the field, away from the house.” Crop circles! And what will the ladies be wearing to educate the masses? “It’s certainly not long dresses, but women go all out a lot of the time,” said Ms. von Mueffling. “We’re often amused at the women who are sinking into the grass with the stilettos, but hey, it does say farm on the invite.” Bring yer Wellies, ya fancy ponces!

[Hats for Hope, a Madcap Event, Roberta Freymann boutique, 66 Newtown Lane, East Hampton, 4 p.m.; Love Heals at Luna Farm, 276 Parsonage Lane, Sagaponack, 7:30 p.m., www.loveheals.org]  read more »

The Cure was the band always playing at those eighth-grade dances where we were too busy standing in the corner being fat to actually dance with anyone (and thus were inadvertently spared enduring a hip-locked, corduroy-erection-grind when “Freebird” came on …). Tonight the aging blokes of the Cure hobble into Madison Square Garden, led by portly vampire Robert Smith, the best justification we’ve seen lately to invest in $250 night cream!

[The Cure at Madison Square Garden, Seventh Avenue between 31st and 32nd streets, 8 p.m., www.thegarden.com]  read more »

Those who don’t recall American Girl dolls from their coddled adolescence may scratch their heads at the rabid packs of mother-daughter tourists flocking to the massive flagship on Fifth Avenue. Now Abigail Breslin has been enlisted to portray one of these freakish dollies the Julia Roberts-produced Kit Kittredge: An American Girl! (Kit was not on the roster back when we were throwing tantrums for all things circa 1990, but she is apparently the Great Depression version of rosy-cheeked, resourceful girlhood, i.e., an early dyke. …) Also appearing at tonight’s New York premiere at the Ziegfeld are co-stars Jane Krakowski (who shouldn’t quit her day job!), Julia Ormond, Stanley Tucci, Chris O’Donnell and Julianne Moore, who does not appear in the film but is a friend to the children!

[Kit Kittredge: An American Girl premiere, the Ziegfeld, 141 West 54th Street, 5 p.m., invite only, www.kitkittredge.com]  read more »

Crank the outside temp up to 103 degrees and watch how fast New Yorkers morph from eco-smugness into borderline carbon crack-whoredom, ducking into Duane Reade for free hits of air-conditioning and guzzling bottled water by the truckload, while beer-bellied finance types look up from their CrackBerries and recover Propecia-repressed libidos as the subways fill with post-coital-looking dames (in truth it’s post-$60 Fekkai blowout) in exposed lingerie, perspiring décolletage and neck tattoos. Uptown, the charity shopping events continue unabated, with a bevy of triple-named social gals (Beth Rudin DeWoody, Vogue-ette Marina Rust Connor, Vanity Fair scribe Amy Fine Collins)—not to mention Jonathan Adler and our very own creative genius Simon Doonan—rushing to the aid of starving opera stars at City Opera Thrift Shop’s “DIVAS Shop for Opera” event. “I thought that it was an intellectually interesting project to align myself with,” e-mailed haute stylist Patricia Field, co-chair and the woman responsible for Sarah Jessica Parker’s peerless drag-queen tranny look. “I am happy to see that the City Opera thrift shop project has met with great success and is expanding beautifully as a result of it, now involving many fashion stylists, designers, fashion journalists and other fashionistas.” Added co-chair and vintage shopping enthusiast Elsa Klensch: “With globalization and designer boutiques around the world selling exactly the same items, I find their fashion to be repetitive.” Of course, she added, “I still shop them.” KA-CHING! Ms. Klensch plans to wear one of her “collection of kimonos I bought in the early-morning markets in Tokyo. … It makes me look a size smaller and a lot taller.” And she will be on the prowl: “What I want is a green handbag, preferably in alligator.” Perhaps she’ll bring her fowling piece!

[DIVAS Shop for Opera, Industria Superstudio, 356 West 12th Street, 5 p.m., 212-870-4018]  read more »

Boteach versus botox! Rabbi radio star Shmuley Boteach has written a book, The Broken American Male and How to Fix Him—the exact instruction manual we’ve been waiting for!—and tonight he discusses it with NY1’s Budd Mishkin. “We live in a culture that judges men solely based on their income,” said the rabbi. “That makes them emotionless and soulless. Take, for example, a hedge fund manager”—we have, rabbi, it didn’t work out so well!—“he can’t react emotionally to the whims of the volatile market. A guy who gets butterflies in his stomach can’t be a successful doctor. The men in Iraq can’t identify emotionally with the men they’re supposed to shoot. So these men come home and can’t relate emotionally.” And the rabbi was just warming up! “Broken men lead to inadequate women,” he continued. “One out of three young marriages are platonic. When a couple gets home after work, the husband won’t talk. When the wife is getting undressed, her husband is watching television. She thinks, ‘He won’t talk to me anymore because I’m not interesting. He won’t make love to me anymore because I’m not sexy.’ It leads to women thinking they’re not thin enough, not blond enough. To be an American woman is to never be enough.” Oh rabbi, you’re telling us.

[Shmuley Boteach at the Museum of Jewish Heritage, 36 Battery Place, 7 p.m., www.mjhnyc.org]

mbryan@observer.com

Art begs for mercy from fashion as the Whitney Museum Art Party is now indistinguishable from backstage at a Proenza Schouler show! Co-chairs include OC actress Rachel Bilson, Vogue’s Meredith Melling Burke, Bergdorf buyer Roopal Patel and designer Max Azria, while pulchritudinous attendees showing their support for free designer dresses, oops, the advancement of art, include Elizabeth Banks, Camilla Belle, Ginnifer Goodwin, Diane Kruger, Amanda Peet (still gamey!), Uma Thurman and Claire Danes, along with a crop-dusting of socialites such as Fabiola Beracasa, Byrdie Bell, Olivia Chantecaille, Tinsley Mortimer—and—to put the cream in this puff—most of the cast of Gossip Girl. (Bring all your crazy pills to this one, folks.) The evening will feature a silent auction (shhh!) of work by art stars such as Matthew Brannon, Cecily Brown and Hunt Slonem, including a piece inspired by “the iconic Hervé Léger by Max Azria dress.”

[Whitney Art Party, Skylight, 275 Hudson Street, 9 p.m., www.whitney.org/artparty]

mbryan@observer.com

O.K., already! Yes I said yes I will Yes! Bloomsday on Broadway, an annual celebration of James Joyce now in its 27th year, lures “avid Joyceans” to Symphony Space on the Upper West Side for a six-hour reading of the “Ithaca” episode from Ulysses (oh, God, suddenly we miss Fashion Week), featuring Stephen Colbert and Irish actress Fionnula Flanagan of Transamerica taking their turns with dozens of other smarty-pants performers. Bring whiskey.

[Bloomsday on Broadway, Symphony Space, Peter Jay Sharp Theatre, 2357 Broadway at 95th Street, 7 p.m., http://symphonyspace.org]

mbryan@observer.com

Note to self: Call Dad to say Happy Father’s Day and reiterate that it’s probably best we refrain from speaking until after the general election, then order takeout smothered soy vegan chorizo burritos and settle in for the live Tony Awards broadcast from Radio City Music Hall, hosted by Whoopi Goldberg and featuring presenters such as Laurence Fishburne, Lily Tomlin, Brooke Shields, best-actress-ever Laura Linney, Liza Minnelli (oh, the possibilities!), talented tub-bucket Alec Baldwin and Daniel Radcliffe, a.k.a. Harry Potter, who will finally be bringing his shlong to a theater near you this fall in the New York run of Equus.

[Tony Awards, Radio City Music Hall, 8 p.m., CBS]

mbryan@observer.com

And they’re off! Thoroughbred Hamptonites get the East End “social season” up and running with the eighth annual “Midsummer Night Drinks” at designer Elie Tahari and wife Rory’s beachfront home in Sagaponack (oh, we wish it were midsummer, but we don’t wish we were in Sagaponack!) in honor of AIDS charity God’s Love We Deliver. Later, those who prefer their crowds of people sweaty and stoned speed to Jones Beach to see catchy indie heroes the National play with Modest Mouse and the grown-ups of R.E.M. Which reminds us: We are so not going to our high-school reunion.

[Midsummer Night Drinks, Elie and Rory Tahari’s home, 6 p.m., 212-294-8143; R.E.M., Modest Mouse and the National, Nikon at Jones Beach Theater]

mbryan@observer.com

Deprived of a passable beach and forced to bake in subway tunnels all summer, New Yorkers begin contemplating the serious questions, like the state of human rights on our boiling planet, and whatever happened to that $600 economic-stimulus check, anyway? The former is explored by the Film Society of Lincoln Center in a festival organized with Human Rights Watch and featuring uplifting cinematic events such as To See If I’m Smiling, which follows an 18-year-old Israeli women serving compulsory military service in the Gaza Strip and the West Bank. 27 Dresses on Netflix, anyone?

[Human Rights Watch International Film Festival, Walter Reade Theater, June 13 to June 26, www.filmlinc.com for showtimes]

mbryan@observer.com

Dance with Harrison Ford, save the planet! Environmental heavy hitters and fence-sitters flock (flap, flap, flap) to Conservation International’s annual New York dinner—turn left at the Indians of the Coastal Plains diorama!—featuring GE poobah Jeffrey Immelt being interviewed by Tom Brokaw and Times columnist Thomas Friedman entertaining the coiffed masses with a “perspective on globalization and the environment.” (Are we having fun yet or what?) NBC multitasker Ann Curry is emcee; honorary co-chairs are two rich guys— Roger Altman and Barry Diller—plus one big dose of Harrison Ford. How do ya like them apples?

[Conservation International Dinner, American Museum of Natural History, Central Park West at 79th Street, 6:30 p.m., www.conservation.org/events]

mbryan@observer.com

Help, we’re drowning—in young, nubile flesh! Why is the whole city suddenly 23 years old and hot (but not sweaty-hot?). Meanwhile, we’ve somehow failed to lose those 10 pounds that would make our short shorts remotely appropriate, we have no vacation plans whatsoever and … wait, what’s this, cute spring dresses? Prim uptown designer Milly stages a fashion show for her “resort” collection (whatever!) with hosts Celerie Kemble and beleaguered socialite Olivia Palermo, who may or may not be on the Hills spin-off that may or may not be happening. Later, since everyone knows no ambitious new watering hole can fling open its doors to the hoi polloi without first hosting a private party for a Condé Nast publication, Architectural Digest christens former Alto and L’Impero chef Scott Conant’s new meatpacking district Italian, Scarpetta, over a meal of beef short ribs and duck and foie gras ravioli. (Don’t they serve those in the Condé Nast cafeteria?) The space was formerly the Village Idiot. “People come in and they say, ‘You’re the Village Idiot, and I say, No, we’re not,” said the convivial Mr. Conant. “It happens all the time.” His restaurant’s name, he said, “comes from the word ‘scarpetta,’ which in Italian is when you sop up your food with your bread.” “The bar,” he said, will be “a beautiful bar that people don’t mind sidling up to and spending a couple hours.” Don’t mind if we do! Later, Grizzly Man auteur Warner Herzog opens a new film about Antarctica, Encounters at the End of the World—but this one ain’t about penguins! “The penguins have been documented, I didn’t need to focus on that,” said Mr. Herzog when we called him up. “Though there is one sequence with penguins, but it’s a different take on them. I spoke to a scientist that studies penguins for almost 20 years; he wasn’t so much into conversations with human beings anymore. All of a sudden he warms up and starts to talk about some primitive forms of prostitution among penguins.” We do not remember this from March of the Penguins! Mr. Herzog, who spent seven weeks filming on the bottom of the earth, also informed us that “bureaucracy has invaded Antarctica. You’ll even find ATM machines down there.” (Our PIN would be B-R-R-R.) Finally, author and mentor to a moist clump of memoirists, Susan Shapiro, hosts a “Secrets Behind Publishing” panel at Cooper Union, featuring literary agent Betsy Lerner, New Yorker editor Daniel Zalewski, Random House editor Cindy Spiegel, Essence editor Vanessa Bush, and Times Styles Section editor Trip Gabriel. E-mailed Ms. Shapiro: “My favorite question to ask the panelists is, ‘What can a writer do that would alienate you instantly?’” Favorite answers? “Start your cover letter, ‘Though I’ve never read your publication,’ spell my name wrong, send me your 800-page experimental sci-fi rhyming thriller unsolicited and call the next day to say, ‘Did you read it yet?’”

[Milly, the X-Change, 640 West 28th Street, 6 p.m., invite only; Scarpetta, 355 West 14th Street, 6 p.m., invite only; Encounters at the End of the World, www.fandango.com for showtimes; Secrets Behind Publishing panel, Cooper Union’s Great Hall, 7 East Seventh Street, 7 p.m., 212-677-4712]

mbryan@observer.com

Shopping and drinking! Designer, and former Lance Armstrong flame, Tory Burch flings open her Elizabeth Street shop—WHOOSH!—offering consumers a discount on $225 ballet flats and donating part of the haul to Girls Quest, an organization to benefit low-income girls. Well, if we can’t eat swordfish, at least we have this.

[Tory Burch shopping event, 257 Elizabeth Street, 6 p.m. to 8 p.m., 212-334-3000]

mbryan@observer.com

We’re a little surprised no one has thought to gut that architectural beast that is Cooper Union and turn it into condos and a Keith McNally restaurant. Tonight, the university hosts an Urban Visionaries event, honoring David Childs, skyscraper designer; Kenyon-born art star Wangechi Mutu; and Vanity Fair photographer Annie Leibovitz.

[Cooper Union’s Urban Visionaries, 7 World Trade Center, 250 Greenwich Street, 6:30 p.m., 212-353-4100]

mbryan@observer.com

Who says the garde is no longer avant? Downtown theater troupe New Georges hosts a gala, “Barefoot in Tribeca,” at a five-story private residence with an outdoor pool—now that’s just gratuitous, people—and insists guests come barefoot, as “footwear will be provided!” (Our money’s on Balenciaga Chain Vamp Knee Boots!) Tony nominee Martha Plimpton will receive an award as Kal Penn of Harold & Kumar helps theater types perform theatrical vignettes. We’re hoping this mess somehow results in Wally Shawn in Bermuda shorts.

[Barefoot in Tribeca, 13 Harrison Street, 6:30 p.m., 646-336-8077]

mbryan@observer.com

Amuse your bouche! The James Beard Awards descend upon Lincoln Center, infusing the area with eau de horny middle-aged minx, as tonight’s festivities are hosted by Kim Cattrall (The Sex and the City movie featured her character, Samantha, adorning her naked body with sushi rolls—oh, yummy!). Bobby Flay co-hosts, and presenters include eye candy—Padma Lakshmi—as well as heavy hitters Tom Colicchio, Daniel Boulud, Danny Meyer, Thomas Keller and Four Seasons gatekeeper Julian Niccolini. Dan Barber, chef and co-owner at Blue Hill—with locations in West Village and Westchester—has been nominated for Outstanding Chef. “It’s one of these tasting feasts,” he said. “There are tables of different chefs and restaurants, and it’s kind of like a grazing event. …” Mr. Barber is not even rooting for himself to win. “This sounds ridiculously cheesy, but there’s a guy who’s nominated with me named Grant Achatz”—of Chicago’s Alinea; he has recently battled cancer—“and I’m kind of rooting for him. I ate there a while ago, and I’m totally enamored with this guy, both his personality, his drive and his artistry. Is it odd or saccharine sweet to be rooting for the guy who’s opposing you?”

[The James Beard Awards, Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center, 212-925-0054]

mbryan@observer.com

Greed versus guilt? The Soho Stroll, brainchild of financier-turned-philanthropist Henry Buhl, promotes consumption for a good cause wrangling discounts from shmancy stores to raise money for the homeless. Participants include Whoopi Goldberg, annoying crooner James Blunt, anti-aging heroine Joan Rivers, Howard Stern, Regis and Kelly, Jay Leno, Martha Stewart, excellent singer and mediocre actress Norah Jones, and lately ubiquitous social presence Eli Manning. (Do his hands ever get dirty on an actual football?) Later, Gourmet editrix Ruth Reichl hosts “Who’s Who of Food & Beverage in America” at the Plaza (former digs of the magazine—from 1945 to 1965; a penthouse, thank you—before the operation was bought by S. I. Newhouse and blessed with unlimited photography budgets). Attendees include moody culinary It Boy David Chang, chef at Momofuku Ko and the reason everyone’s assistant starts clicking their mouse madly at 10 a.m. on weekdays. (Has populism ever been so snobby?)

[Soho Stroll, 10:30 a.m., www.ace4homeless.org; Who’s Who of Food & Beverage in America, the Plaza, 770 Fifth Avenue, 212-286-2710, invite only]

mbryan@observer.com

The always-plucky Philharmonic Orchestra of the Americas steps in where those bound for the beach fear to tread, enlisting Christopher Gorham, a star of the Lindsay Lohan pre-lesbian vehicle Ugly Betty, to host a dinner at Lincoln Center, attended by indie hero Michel Gondry, director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and sole remaining unmarried presidential daughter Barbara Bush. (Here’s hoping she’s a Democrat, or at least gay!)

[Percussion Feast, Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center, 7 p.m., 212-721-6500]

mbryan@observer.com

Not even Staten Island is safe from clove-smoking cinéastes! The fifth borough has its own film festival, kicking off with Orson Welles’ Touch of Evil, which we’re pretty sure we slept through once in college. Mr. Welles’ eldest daughter, Manhattanite Chris Welles Feder, introduces the film and answers questions. “I think it’s a masterful study of evil and corruption, and it really shows my father’s special gift for creating a monster,” she said when we called her up. “But then at the same time, showing him to be human, vulnerable, so that the audience sympathizes with him.” (Isn’t that always the problem, honey?) Ms. Feder added, “The film was taken away from him in the editing process, so he lost artistic control. The studio just took it away from him and just started changing all kinds of things, which was upsetting for him. He did write a very long memo, I think it was a 56-page memo, to the studio, pleading with them to respect his directorial vision for the film, but they ignored the memo.” Later the memo was recovered and the film reconstructed. Who are the modern directors Ms. Feder most admires? “I think some remarkable films are coming out of China these days,” she said. Afterward, speed back on the Staten Island Ferry to Manhattan, where it may seem like it’s gay pride month every month, but it’s actually just this month! The New York City Gay Men’s Chorus celebrates with a show, “Vibrate!”, which music director Charlie Beale explained is “an eclectic mix of music; pop, and we’re also doing some South African music”—in recognition, of course, of South Africa, where “same-sex marriage has been legal since 2006.” Mr. Beale added that his group was encouraged by the recent news from our governor. “Governor Paterson has said that he wants recognition of same-sex marriage in New York State,” said Mr. Beale. “It takes a blind man to see the light.”

[Tough of Evil screening, College of Staten Island Center for the Arts, 2800 Victory Boulevard, 2 p.m., www.sifilmfestival.org; Vibrate!, FIT’s Haft Auditorium, 27th Street and Seventh Avenue, 8 p.m., www.nycgmc.org]

mbryan@observer.com

Now that we’ve seen Sex and the City, next up: Pineapple Express! And while we’re on the subject, why won’t our friends take three days off work to help pack and label boxes when we move in with our rich boyfriend on Fifth Avenue … oh wait, that’s right, our poor artist “friend” in Williamsburg! Luckily, there are larger things to consider, like the fate of the oceans, which is, according to ocean activist Ted Danson, not lookin’ good! Mr. Danson is on the board of Oceana, which celebrates World Ocean Day (glub, glub, glub) with society stingrays such as model Amber Valletta, rocker spawn Alexandra Richards, socialite Ann Dexter-Jones, and avid sailors Leonard and Evelyn Lauder. “I would say the biggest threat for oceans right now is overfishing,” Mr. Danson told us. “To the point where one-third—and these are all scientific facts, most coming out of Canadian scientists—one-third of our fisheries have collapsed around the world. At that level, you’re not guaranteed that it will come back even if you stop fishing it.” And that’s not all the sunshine Mr. Danson had to throw our way! “The other big problem is when you pull up your nets, you throw a third of what you catch overboard, dead or dying. You have these incredibly destructive and wasteful practices going on, and at the same time you have too many boats going out to do that. Some scientists believe that literally in our lifetime you could fish out the ocean. Commercially, no more fish. Big problem.” Does this mean we can only eat vegetables now? “Without doubt, you never should eat swordfish again, especially as a woman,” purred Mr. Danson. Luckily, here comes Kathy Freston—KAPOW!—pulchritudinous wife of former Viacom head Tom Freston, to help us achieve spiritual fulfillment, errr, veganism! Ms. Freston’s latest tome, Quantum Wellness: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Health and Happiness, suggests that wine and cheese and roast chicken are to blame for not just the demise of the oceans, but the fact that we feel empty. (And we thought it was Project Runway!) She advocates vegan detoxification. (She’s even sold Oprah on this, ensuring that we hear about dairy-free crepes from our mother for years to come!) Tonight, Ms. Freston is vetted and feted by fashionable yogi Donna Karan along with Wendi and Rupert Murdoch, Christy Turlington and Katie Lee Joel, another photogenic young wife with a book about food. Somebody save us a seat at Burritoville.

[World Ocean Day 2008, Rockefeller Center, 620 Fifth Avenue, 7 p.m., www.lamer.com/oceania; Kathy Freston Book Party, Stephen Weiss Studio, 711 Greenwich Street, 6:30 p.m., Katie.finch@weinsteinco.com]

mbryan@observer.com

Wizard of Oz? Ubiquitous heart surgeon Dr. Mehmet Oz is honored by the National Urban Technology Center in front of guests such as former Mayor David Dinkins, former Monica Lewinsky associate Vernon Jordan, and current Governor and Mrs. David Paterson. A second honoree is Stephen Byrd, producer of Broadway’s all African-American production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. We called up Dr. Oz to find out what fabulous deed he’s done to deserve this honor: “I always ask myself the same question; I don’t know why,” he said. However: “What they’re trying to do is to get kids to realize their dreams. And I’ve been doing that in health, especially aiming many of the lessons at minority populations that don’t have the robust access to information that they should have.” Dr. Oz has created HealthCorps, which is “like the Peace Corps, but instead of sending [volunteers] out to Botswana to build dams, they send them to schools to teach kids about their bodies.” He manages to fit it all into a day, he said, by being a generally nice person: “I’ve formed long-lasting relationships, I’ve been married to the same woman 20 years, I’ve been at Columbia University my whole career. You treasure that covenant you have with your partners. Plus, I have a little bit of psychosis. You gotta be a little crazy to do this stuff, come on. Anyone who opens people’s hearts to get to their chests …”

[National Urban Technology Center Annual Gala, Capitale, 130 Bowery, 6:30 p.m., 800-998-3212]

We love us some Al Gore—here’s a guy who could have run for president, and probably won, but decided he didn’t want to lose the 30 pounds, and so said, “Screw it!” And today he appears, avec Tipper, at the Wildlife Conservation Society’s Safari! India gala at the Central Park Zoo. (So named for the society’s work with tigers in India. Are they hiring?) Showing their support for the critters will be a motley crew of the famous and semi-famous including Uma Thurman, Wynton Marsalis, and former Lancome model and David Lynch muse Isabella Rossellini. We’re rooting for Senator Obama to pluck Mr. Gore for Secretary of State!

[Wildlife Conservation Society’s Safari! India, Central Park Zoo, 6:30 p.m., 212-921-9070, ext. 16]

The hemline police speed back in helicopters from the Hamptons for the CFDA Fashion Awards at the New York Public Library. The Oscars of fashion, they will be hosted by the irreplaceable Fran Lebowitz, who will be joined by men most men have never heard of, i.e., Francisco Costa, Lazaro Hernandez, Jack McCollough, Thom Browne, Tom Ford, and Marc Jacobs. The swan-necked Carolina Herrera will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award, and Mayor Bloomberg will turn up in (we hope) one of his tulle and organza numbers and accept the vaguely named “Board of Director’s Special Tribute.” Later, Planned Parenthood hosts the One Million Strong Cocktail Party at the Prince George Ballroom, featuring guest speaker and political rabble-rouser Jane Fonda, spawn of the devil so far as our dear ole war vet dad is concerned, who will wax poetic about a woman’s right to choose. (And how about our right to choose unplanned pregnancy and a nine-month exile in Fiji?)

[CFDA Fashion Awards, New York Public Library, 6:30 p.m., invite only; One Million Strong Cocktail Party, 15 East 27th Street, 6 p.m., 212-261-4634]

Battle of the parades! Summer means streets being closed willy-nilly for parades that spur pride and ruin your chances of getting across Fifth Avenue in under three hours. … Gay Pride Weekend arrives later this month, but today is the Salute to Israel Parade, which bills itself as “the world’s largest public gathering in support of Israel.” This year, the festivities will tune up a notch in honor of Israel’s 60th birthday, sending floats, marching bands, Israeli diplomats, musicians, ballroom dancers and “colorfully costumed Bukharian performers from Uzbekistan” down Fifth Avenue behind Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the parade’s Grand Marshal and all-around grand poobah.

[Salute to Israel Parade, Fifth Avenue from 57th to 79th Streets, 11 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.]

Foodies flock to see if the rumors of edible food being served on the Upper West Side are true, at the New Taste of the Upper West Side fund-raising gala—requiring no beaded evening gown and dishing grub from 24 chefs—which, quaintly, will be taking place outside under a tent on Columbus Avenue! Honorees include Tim Zagat and Gael Green, food critic and founder of City-Meals-on-Wheels; proceeds go toward Columbus Avenue streetscape beautification. Eateries on the menu include Bar Boulud, ’Cesca, Dovetail, Landmarc, Kefi, Fatty Crab and Blue Ribbon Sushi. The only downside: The wine is coming from 26 Long Island vineyards—blech! Somebody bring a flask of Petrus, will ya?

[New Taste of the Upper West Side, Columbus Avenue between 76th and 77th streets, 5 p.m. to 8:30 p.m., 212-721-5048]

The comic-book convention nerds do a 180 and ride their scooters back into the city for the World Science Festival, which will include a wild night at “The Brain and Bourne” at MoMA, featuring a screening of the Matt Damon spy flick The Bourne Identity followed by a discussion with director Doug Liman and psychiatrist and neuroscientist Giulio Tononi about brain function, memory and personality (i.e., do government-trained top-secret international assassins really suffer occasional memory lapses after failing to assassinate dictators on their yachts?).

[“The Brian and Bourne,” The Museum of Modern Art, Roy and Niuta Titus Theater 1, 11 West 53rd Street, 5 p.m., www.worldsciencefestival.org]

Golf with pink Floyd! Don’t ship your gown out to East Hampton just yet! The goodly ladies of the Society of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center have scheduled their first Spring Ball so far into spring that it’s almost summer, and have enlisted girl-power songstress Natasha Bedingfield. Chairs and vice chairs include socialites Muffie Potter Aston, Jennifer Creel and Dayassi Olarte de Kanavos—who sounds like a Greek-shipping-heiress character on Gossip Girl, right?—not to mention designer Tory Burch, and The Manny author Holly Peterson. Moneyed duos David and Julia Koch and Stephen and Christine Schwarzman are also expected to attend. Society president Leslie Jones informed us that aside from Ms. Bedingfield, the evening will feature four “priceless” items being auctioned off by Sothebys’ Jamie Niven. “The first item is four VIP tickets and backstage passes to the American Idol Live concert in August,” she said. “It’s a chance to meet and greet the 2008 American Idol contest winner.” Swoon! You can also bid to “walk the red carpet with Duran Duran; they’re playing in Central Park.” Not to mention “a helicopter out of New York City to Shinnecock or National Golf Club to play golf with Roger Waters of Pink Floyd and Ray Floyd, who won the U.S. Open at Shinnecock … Jamie Niven believes that will go for a lot of money.” (Playing golf with Pink Floyd’s Mr. Waters sounds like something someone hallucinated circa 1973!) Later, in news of avant-garde theater types, Witness Relocation—the theater troupe, not the government program for traitorous mobsters—stages Vicious Dogs on Premises at St. Mark’s Church. Artistic director Dan Safer said that this bit of theater “basically deals with choice overload theory.” Which is “when you have way too many choices and that causes stress. It’s like looking for a bar in the East Village.” Mr. Safer said the play is about the training of fighting dogs; he looked to the case of disgraced footballer Michael Vick. “A lot of it is about conditioning,” he said, adding that “pit bulls are really loving by nature.” Basically, “I’m fascinated by violent people. … It’s all situational. I start with the supposition that I’m not a violent person, but if I came home and someone was attacking my girlfriend, I would kill them.” Oh, this Mr. Safer sounds hot!

[Society of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center 2008 Spring Ball, Plaza Hotel, 768 Fifth Avenue, 7 p.m., 212-639-7972; Vicious Dogs on Premises, St. Mark’s Church, 131 East 10th Street, 8 p.m., 212-352-3101]

GOTTA LOVE HILLARY for stirring some très creepy dark clouds over Memorial Day Weekend—who else is rooting for her to ride her crazy pony—clippety-clippety-clop!—right on to the convention floor in August? Meanwhile, we ate too many potato chips—you? In case you’re wondering where all the Town Cars have gone, the glitzy fund-raisers are starting the annual migration east, but there are still some gigs like tonight’s American Women in Radio and Television’s Gracie Awards, honoring underage naturalist Miley Cyrus, American Idol’s Cecile Frot-Coutaz and poetess-of-the-booming-voice Maya Angelou. Expected to attend are a slew of prominently televised, X-chromosomed mugs such as Christiane Amanpour, Maria Bartiromo, Suze Orman, Campbell Brown, Ann Curry, Gayle King, Ashleigh Banfield, Lisa Ling and Ali Larter of Heroes. Supplying the cologne-drenched man-meat will be Brian Williams and Jeff Zucker.

[33rd Annual Gracie Awards, Marriott Marquis, Broadway Ballroom, 1535 Broadway, 6 p.m., 212-431-5227]

Having already feted the gays, the Latinos, the terminally single, and the Brooklyn Bridge (and we still think she’s lying about her ago—125? Yeah, right!), we now move on to the state of Israel, currently celebrating its 60th birthday with a film series at Lincoln Center! We’re partial to Late Marriage, about “Zaza, a handsome Tel-Aviv bachelor” who is “the despair of his mother, Lily, whose Old World customs brought to Israel from Soviet Georgia include the pressing need to find a virgin bride to marry into the family. The trouble is that Zaza is already passionately involved with Judith”—and Judith, dontcha know, ain’t no virgin! Summer is suddenly looking up.

[Israel @ 60, Late Marriage, 4:15 p.m., Walter Reade Theater, 165 West 65th Street, www.filmlinc.com for complete schedule]

Rabid women storm Manhattan movie theaters, Barneys-sample-sale style, as the rough beast that is the Sex and the City movie slouches into town, and an entire generation of New York single gals in tunic dresses and gladiator sandals stare up at the screen and collectively realize, Holy sh*t, I’ve blown it, what was I thinking? Tonight’s Radio City premiere—Will Sarah Jessica Parker wear a dazzling giant dead parrot on her head, as she did at the London premiere?—and the after-party at MoMA offer many opportunities for engrossing conversation about the fact that there’s a scene with a penis—yes, a penis!—in the movie. Unfortunately, it doesn’t belong to Samantha—we were so expecting a deft Crying Game plot twist, weren’t you?

[Sex and the City premiere, Radio City Music Hall, 1260 Avenue of the Americas; after-party at MoMA, 11 West 53rd Street; 13 Vestry Street, 6:30 p.m., invite only]

Escape self-styled purgatory of takeout tacos and Arrested Development DVDs by heading to the American Museum of Natural History’s much-ballyhooed exhibit on “The Horse”—i.e., that great beast who helped wage wars and build civilizations and now pulls fat German tourists around Central Park all day, all summer, in the baking heat, as the passengers yell, “Schnelles, pony, schnelles!”

[“The Horse,” American Museum of Natural History, Central Park West and 79th Street]