The Week in DVR: Three's Company! Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Lost Return in Time for May Sweeps

MONDAY

OMFG, Gossip Girl (CW, 8 p.m.)! (Is OMFG even appropriate slang anymore? Honest to blog, who can keep up?) Too many murdered brain cells to remember exactly where the show left off? Here’s a primer. Blair’s secret affair with Chuck Bass had recently come to light after her reconciliation with Nate. He’s angry, while she’s mortified because being a “whore” undermines her leader status amongst her prim ladies. (Uh, really?) Jenny Humphrey, Dan’s younger sister, recently slighted by Blair, uses Blair’s weakened state to her own social advantage. Jenny’s rebuke—she’s from Brooklyn!—plunges Blair into a deep shame spiral. At the end of the last episode, Serena had just swooped in to console her. All caught up now? Gr8! Kthxbai.

Bonus: James Van Der Beek (Dawson’s Creek, Varsity Blues) makes a guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30 p.m.). For better or worse, he plays a loser. Never in our hearts, Dawson! (Creeeaak!)

TUESDAY

Last week’s Democratic presidential primary debate accounted for ABC’s best showing on a Wednesday night in weeks with close to 10 million people tuning in to see ... whatever it is Tom Shales thought he saw!Is there any question that tonight’s primary in the same state will be ratings gold for all involved? It’s the most important (secretly non-important—doesn’t Obama have this thing locked up?) political event of the year. Until the next one!

Is it possible that Ashlee Simpson’s (limited) talents are underappreciated? Sure, her sister, Jessica, will forever overshadow her younger, slighter sibling, but it’s puzzling why the first single, “Outta My Head,” a catchy Devo knock-off, off her newest album, hasn’t received more play. Perhaps she should have opted for a boob job instead of rhinoplasty. Sure she’s now prettier, but who’s paying attention? Maybe after her performance tonight on Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 9 p.m.), she’ll be able to exploit that much-sought-after mom following. A gal can dream!

WEDNESDAY

American Idol’s (Fox, 9 p.m.) Andrew Lloyd Webber themed week hits its glorious crescendo tonight with the composer slated to perform with the six remaining contestants. Apparently he’s been looking for a reason to dust off his skates … Starlight Express? Anyone? Oh, hi, crickets! Moving on …

Members of the comedy troupe Second City make an appearance on Top Chef (Bravo, 10 p.m.), if only to underscore how not funny chefs are.

THURSDAY

Is it May sweeps already? Last week’s Variety headline: “NBC’s Office Tops Quiet Thursday.” Quiet? No more. Things are about to get turned up to 11 with the return of ABC’s full lineup: Ugly Betty (8 p.m.), Grey’s Anatomy (9 p.m.) and Lost (10 p.m.). It’s an arms race ... that's sure to show lots of leg!

FRIDAY

CBS is officially the only network that cares about Fridays—even if its shows display a distinct unconcern for the tastes of its viewers. Tonight promises new episodes of Ghost Whisperer (8 p.m.), Moonlight (9 p.m.) and Numbers (10 p.m.). Yahtzee!

SUNDAY

The Made-for-TV movie of the week: Infected (Sci-Fi, 9 p.m.), starring Judd Nelson and Isabella Rosselini. From the Sci-Fi Channel’s Web site: “Ben Mosher is an unlikely hero with a dead-end job and a broken heart.”—aw—­“Lisa is an ambitious reporter and Ben's estranged lover.”—sounds sexy—“But when Ben and Lisa find themselves in the middle of an alien conspiracy where humans are being poisoned and impregnated with Alien larvae, the pair must put their past behind them and work together to save mankind.”—wait, wha!?

Meanwhile, there’s Celebracadabra (VH1, 9 p.m.), a reality series that defies pithy one-liners: its celebrities—Carnie Wilson!—perform magic and compete.